Guilt Made at Home

 "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." [1 Corinthians 10:31]

Besides daily pain, muscle spasms and everything that goes along with having chronic illnesses, probably the thing I struggle with the most is not being physically able to do what I need to do. Yes, I'm talking about cleaning my house, being a stay-at-home mom and homemaker, which, by its very definition, means that my husband and I have chosen that he should work outside of the home for money and I will work inside the home and take care of our four children, paid in blessings.

So much guilt! Then, reading about the "wife of noble character" in Proverbs 31:10-31 personally makes me feel more guilty, and that is simply not what Scripture is meant to do. We stuggle so much, parents and spouses who have chronic pain and cannot work for a paycheck. It does a number on in your mind. I see the stuff on the floor that needs to be picked up and knowing that if I bend over, there goes my back for the day and lately, vertigo has been making the room spin like my dryer should.

To-do lists don't help; I tend to overpack them on the mornings I write them if I'm feeling okay, so then I push myself and push myself and pay for that day of cleaning, laundry, cooking, running after a precocious three-year-old, and for what? A clean floor that will have yet another generation of jelly stains and Little People conventions on it?

Back to the wife of noble character for a moment. If we stop in our tracks at verse 27, we read something that is powerfully freeing. "She watches over the affairs of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness." She watches over the affairs of her household....this does not say "she does everything in the household until it kills her." Could this verse possibly mean she delegates? Even though I have to rest in my recliner for twice the time it takes me to do something, I have found...I can still fold laundry in that recliner, especially if my little girl pretends the full laundry basket is a train and chug-chugs to where Mommy needs it.

This brings me to a valid and solid point. Children. If you're a parent and have children who are able to do chores and have responsibilities, there is absolutely no reason why they cannot help around the house -- they live there too, right? And notice I did not say "a parent with chronic pain." I am a firm believer that chores and responsibilities teach children invaluable lessons about being responsible adults. When someone used to say to me about my two boys, "I feel for you, raising two boys!" I would reply, "No...not raising boys....I'm rearing men."

If we go past verse 27 in the last chapter of Proverbs, we read the following:

"Her children arise and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: “Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.” Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. Honor her for all that her hands have done, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate." [28-31]

Teens may not like picking up after themselves, let alone other family members. They may not like loading the dishwasher, or cutting grass, or doing their own laundry. I don't like living every day in excruciating pain, and if I do those things, then that kills the rest of the day for me personally to do things that I enjoy -- like spending time with my kids and my husband. So, if the kids help out and learn valuable life skills in the process, they will (eventually, usually by the time their first born is over two years old and they realize we're not as dumb as a sack of seashells) arise and call us blessed for loving them enough to teach them. 

Chore charts (for teens, just make them on the computer and print them out, tape to the fridge -- they frown upon the pre-made forms for five year olds) are invaluable. The teens have to do their chores (usually two-three jobs each day, with project day on Saturday -- whatever needs to be done -- and a day of rest on Sunday). They get screen time after homework and their chores are done. I no longer pick up the living room or vacuum, or clean their bathroom, and I flat out refuse to clean their bedrooms. After all, stay-at-home moms are rarely successful at workers comp claims.

As much as it does hurt me, I cannot just sit still and have my daughter chugga-chug laundry baskets to me all the live long day. As much as it does hurt, it is good for my mental health to do something -- even if its just one thing -- during the course of the day, to make and keep a Christ-centered, clean home. 

I think a lot of the guilt from not being able to do things comes from extraordinary and unrealistic expectations. There is no way I am able to pick up, vacuum, clean the kitchen and do laundry all on one day. Not gonna happen. But I can do one or two things each day.

I am reminded of the old wives' verse, that was quoted by Ma in the wonderful children's book Little House in the Big Woods by Laura Ingalls Wilder (for whom my daughter is named). After the everyday chores were done, "Ma began the work that belonged to that day. Each day had it's own proper work. Ma used to say: Wash on Monday, Iron on Tuesday, Mend on Wednesday, Churn on Thursday, Clean on Friday, Bake on Saturday, Rest on Sunday."

Most of us don't churn our own butter or have a set baking day, but the concept here is still valid. Since we participate in church on Sunday, and Monday Laura has preschool, Mondays pretty much wipe me out, physically. So I know I can do a little thing on Monday but that's it, maybe just clean the stovetop -- and on preschool days (Monday and Wednesdays), the slow cooker gets used a lot. On Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays, we stay home, so I can focus my energies on dusting, straightening up the living room to my standards, blogging to encourage others, or make a really yummy dinner -- and while I'm at it, I make Wednesday's dinner up in the slow cooker, to sit in the refrigerator overnight until I can pop it in the heating element the next morning. But just one or two things, not much more than that, even though I've been known to overdo on many occasions and pay for it....I'm still trying to apply this. It's just hard, but the sun comes up every morning, praise Jesus, a new opportunity to try again.

Every day has the opportunity to be a great day. As I tell my son Sam, who has autism, "You have autism; autism does not have you." I too have all these illnesses but praise be to God, they do not have me. Yes, they have the uncanny knack of keeping me humble....thank you, sciatica....but if I manage my time, energies, and delegate to other members who live in the house (for I am not the only one), life can be a little better for all. I may still be in pain, but guilt is thrown out the window.

Most importantly, from cleaning the stovetop, to changing a diaper, to teaching a little girl how to feed her kitty cat (for little Laura has chores too), do it all to the glory of God. Our families and others see how we react to our physical limitations. Are we living defeated lives? Or lives in temporary shells that writhe in pain, but call witness to the Glory of God and His Resurrection?

~ Terrie

(C) 2013 Terrie McKee